I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
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Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.