When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
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“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
No Google it does not
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Something Saturday.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.