caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal