Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
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[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My flabber has been gasted.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.