Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
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Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I am HOWLING at this
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking