GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
The two types of wives
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.