Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
#milo
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.