Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
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No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Those are good neighbors.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer