Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
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Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop