Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
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According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus