me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
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On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I am HOWLING at this
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.