My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
‘I know a black person’
– White people
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*