How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal