Seekh Kebab
Not attention
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ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.