My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
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A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?