I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.