MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
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having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.