Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
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Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
no one likes gloating
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough