My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
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Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.