I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture: