John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
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me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley