Nigella has gone too far this time.
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Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”