Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
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*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water