When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
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All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
birds and squirrels envy us
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke