#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Finally!
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?