Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
You Might Also Like
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.