A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.