“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
peep davidson
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Do one person every day that scares you.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”