You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
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my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)