*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
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#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”