me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
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Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
pizza
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.