If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Breaking news:
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
*Seductively hides in the woods
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉