Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
❤️🦆
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Not even remotely sorry.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”