SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Worst perfume name ever.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.