Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
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One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.