I laughed at this way too hard.
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my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
This was the best day of my life
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Yup….perfect score!
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
just gave your address to some spiders
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?