Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.