Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
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If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
“We will wed,” I threatened
My life in a nutshell
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.