If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.