My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
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[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!