[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
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I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home