“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
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What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER