The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Stop it! 😂
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza