[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
You Might Also Like
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.