I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too