Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
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*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
New favorite tiktok
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???