Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
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At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.