When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
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she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?