I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
How I like cutting carbs
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up