If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other